How to Recover from Major Setbacks, Part 2

Last week, we began the discussion on how to recover from major career setbacks. In some capacity, we each have been impacted by these setbacks. But we often stay stuck in bitterness, shame or disappointment without fully recovering from it. We explored 5 ways to recover from setbacks last week, and today we are going to continue the conversation with 5 more: 6. What Good Can Come From How It Actually Played Out.

Turn to what actually happened. Think through it. What good could come from what actually happened?  Yes you can borrow from number five above (see previous post).

Once again, go for a big long list till you feel hope.

7. How Can You Win From Here?

Now that you are in a better place having completed step 6, it is time to capture what you learned and to create a plan to help fix the setback and continue your growth.

You want to design a plan around how you can win from here. Typically that would include making amends and protecting the future from a repeat of the current mistakes.

8. What Base Hit Can You Make To Start Moving In The Right Direction?

Don't even try to go for hitting a home run right away.  You will build confidence, repair your view of yourself, and encourage others by making consistent base hits.

Daily consistency is key here.

Small daily steps motivate more than the home run at this stage.

9. Forgive Self.

If you have not fully recovered from a setback, then you have not fully forgiven yourself.  You may have forgiven yourself for part of what happened, but not all of it.

In order to forgive someone fully, including yourself, your first step is to make a list of the obvious things you need to forgive, but then you also need to make a list of the not-so-obvious things as well.

For example, say you lost your cool in a meeting with your direct report. You will need to forgive yourself for the outburst, but there may be a need to forgive yourself for something deeper, like a belief that you have created a fear in your direct report that they will never recover from.

You need to forgive yourself for all of it, whether it is true or not.  (Stay tuned for a blog post on how to forgive yourself.)

10. You Are Not Your Setback.

Too many times when we have a setback we start seeing ourselves through the setback. We seem to forget all of the good that is in us, and we just focus on the bad.

A way not to define yourself according to your setbacks is to remind yourself of your core values.  Where does your worth come from? 

Is the source of your worth greater than the nature of your setback?  If not, from what can you derive self-worth that will be greater than your setback?

It would be a crime to waste time by not recovering from a setback.

You have so much to offer the rest of us.

We need all of us working together with the best of what we have.  Don’t let yourself be robbed of a quality life because of a setback.

Life is way too short to get stuck.

Chew On This:

• What would life be like if you fully overcame your setbacks?

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

How to Recover from Major Setbacks, Part 1

Back in 2008, I had a client who was a star performer at his large company. (As with all my posts, I have his permission to use his story.) When you hear his story, you think his parents should have named him Midas, because everything he touched turned to gold.

He went to all the right schools and earned full scholarships.  He landed in all the right jobs and climbed quickly.

He had huge accomplishments for someone his age.

He was not only very smart, but he really knew how to relate well to others.

It seemed like he had the complete package.

When I asked him about his failures or his setbacks, he thought for awhile and then mentioned things that seemed so harmless and inconsequential that I wanted to say, “That’s it?”  I thought to myself, “Wow, I did not know people like you existed.”

If you noticed in the opening line what year this was, you could probably guess that in 2008 he got a taste of serious failure.  When the recession hit, his company was devastated.  They laid off many, many people.

He was assured that he was not going to be cut.  But as the recession lengthened, that is exactly what happened. He was released from employment.

After coming out of his boss’ office the day he got that news, he was stunned.  But he was absolutely shocked at those who got to keep their jobs. He could not understand why he was let go and they were not.

For the first time in his life, he did not make the cut.

When he came to my office he was noticeably numb.  It seemed he was trying to harden his heart so he would not feel the pain that he was in.

It was obvious that he needed to process what he was feeling, but he was unwilling.

His numbness went to rage, then to depression, then back to numbness, and then his emotions just bounced around.

As much as I tried to encourage him to describe what he felt, all that came out of his mouth were facts.

I stopped trying to encourage him to describe his feelings, and focused on empathy instead.

He talked for another 10mins and then said he needed to go.

He never returned.

That was the start of a long, bitter, downward spiral for him.  Even though he landed on his feet before the severance package ran out, I learned a few years later that he had never fully recovered from that setback. He remained angry and bitter.

Recently, he gave me a call and wanted to start up again.

Now he is actively fighting to heal and continue his growth.

He sees how much was stolen in the last eight years and doesn’t want to lose any more.

It is true the vast majority of us don’t have a story like this.  However, we have been impacted by career setbacks.  There may be one setback in particular that stands out.

Have you fully recovered from it? 

If you don't know, then ask yourself:

• What were you like before the setback happened?
• What has changed for the worse?
• Are you still playing it inappropriately cautious?
• How has your life been impacted?

If you are not stronger and better, then you probably have not fully recovered from the setback.

Here are 5 steps that may help:

• Describe the Pain You Feel Without Using Facts

Recognize the shock, denial, hurt, betrayal, grief, depression, anxiety, and whatever other emotions you feel from the setback, and fully embrace them.  You were meant to feel what you feel.

In order to process your emotions, stop Judging yourself, Accusing yourself, or Calling out facts (J.A.C.- yes, you can laugh now), and just M.O.P. -- that is, describe your emotions using Metaphors, Other emotions, and Physical sensations.

The more you describe what you feel (not think), the more you will sense yourself going through the emotions and emerging stronger on the other side.

I like to MOP via journaling so I can catch when I start to JAC.  Others like to MOP with others. So for example, during one coaching meeting an executive’s MOP was:

“I feel angry like a bull seeing red in an arena.  I feel frustrated, annoyed, enraged, anxious, really hurt and completely betrayed.  I feel like a dad who lovingly cared for and raised his son, only to have the son spit in his face and run away when he most needed him. My heart is pumping fast.  My breathing is heavy.  My blood feels warm.  I can hear my heart pounding in my ear.  I am fighting back tears.”

His MOP continued from there for a bit, and then he got calm and wanted to make a plan to move forward.

When you describe your emotions this way, don’t be surprised if they intensify before you get to a calm place.

By the way, can you guess what happened that led that executive to feel all of that?

I will share why he felt all of this at the bottom of this post.  Don’t peak!

• Stop the Self-Flagellation

I can beat the crap out of myself when I have a setback.  Man, I am hard on myself.  But I have learned from personal experience that beating myself up only brings me more problems.  Instead, I need to do step one above, and then move directly to step 3.

If you don't want to bypass the self-flagellation, or are not ready to let go of it, save the rest of this blog for when you are.

I've found that when I'm in a place where I don't want to grow or heal, it does no good for someone to give me helpful tips or advice because I will never believe it will work. My desire to shame myself is too strong.

If you find yourself there, then MOP what it's like to not want to grow or heal, until you find yourself wanting to heal and grow.

• Own It Fully

If you need to own your setback to your boss, then read a previous blog post for tips on how to handle that conversation.

I’ve seen the power of complete ownership, with no marketing, at work in my life and in the lives of others.  Whoever you need to own things to, do it.

One of the side benefits of such ownership is that you will start to gain control over the setback instead of letting it control you.

• Flip Tool- How Could It Have Been Worse?

Now take the setback and really exaggerate it out.  How could the setback have been worse?  Really get into this.  Give it details.  Don’t be ridiculous with the step, but really look for ways that it actually could have been worse.

Don’t just describe the facts of how it could have been worse, but describe what you would feel if those facts had happened.

Once you have it clear in your head how it could have been worse, and you have described your emotions so well that you are actually feeling them in the present, then go to step 5.

• What Good Might Have Come If The Absolute Worst Had Happened

Now with the more horrible version of the setback in mind, create an exhaustive list of what possible good could have come if the absolute worst had happened.

At first you may not be able to come up with much, but stick to this step and don’t bypass it.

You want to stretch yourself here.

Some questions that might help you get unstuck, and put more potential good on your list, include:

• How could people be supportive?
• What opportunities could arise through it?
• How would I be better, having fully dealt with everything I experienced?
• What could I learn through going through this process?
• How would I be better if I learned it?
• How would my character grow?
• How would I be able to help others because of this?
• What good would the newfound humility do for me? My team? My leadership?

You want such a long list that you can't help but feel hope, that despite the worst thing happening, you could be so much better.

Next week, we'll explore 5 more ways to recover from major setbacks. This week, I encourage you to take time to sit and reflect on the major career setbacks in your life. Write out the details, how you felt, how it impacted you, and how your life has looked as a result of it. We'll continue this conversation next week.

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

How I Learned to Grow by Reduction

When I first started off in counseling, I focused on just one thing: helping male porn addicts get real distance from their addiction.  I expected to focus on that for the rest of my career. As I began to work with male porn addicts, I realized a lot of them had wives, and those wives were really hurting.  So the guys would ask me to meet with them.

I eagerly said Yes.

I then spent time researching how to help the spouse of a porn addict.

I also had to learn how to do marriage counseling.

A friend of mine who was a marriage counselor gave me great tips and strategies for marriage counseling, and I dove right in.

As I continued to work with porn addicts and their wives, they began to share how their kids were being impacted by dad’s addiction.

They asked if I could see their kids.

So I eagerly said Yes.

Then I ran off and studied how to work with kids. I hired a mentor who could give me key pointers on facilitating family counseling.

I then began to work with families who were not dealing with a porn addiction.  So I added family counseling to my list of services.

This went on until eventually I was seeing clients:

• Who were depressed
• Who wanted to discover what they are called to do, and how they are designed to do it
• Who were suicidal
• Who were traumatized
• Who were abused
• Whose loved ones had died
• Who were addicted to a drug or to alcohol
• Who struggled with anxiety
• Etc., etc., etc.

Then, my wife discovered an article on coaching and when she finished, she exclaimed, “Ryan read this!.... This is so you!.... You gotta read this!” I was dismissive of the idea of coaching.  However, after pooh-poohing it for awhile, I eventually read the article.

As usual, my wife was right.

So I called former counseling clients who were ideal for coaching, and many signed up.

In time, I saw the same progression in coaching as I had seen in counseling.  I expanded into life coaching, career coaching, couples coaching, executive coaching, business coaching, coaching on writing business plans, and more.

On the advice of a mentor, I created different sites to emphasize these different disciplines.  I also had multiple email addresses.

Soon, however, this became counter-productive.  I found myself getting mixed up, sending clients in one market a message intended for another market. Understandably, this created some brand confusion.

When it became popular to Google someone’s name before choosing to work with them, clients could see all of the different sites under my name, and brand confusion increased.

I wish I could say that I was consistently hitting home runs in all of these areas. Sadly, however, some were only base hits, and still others were misses.

I wanted to do my best to help them, so I undertook a lot of research, hired experts, and began a trial and error process.  I was putting so much effort in so many different directions that my head was starting to spin.  I did not know what to study next.

In essence, I was not running my practice.  My practice was running me.

The Price of Doing Everything

This took a toll on me emotionally. On a typical day, I went from grief counseling in the first session, to brainstorming on a major initiative with a division leader of a Fortune 500 company, to helping a small business owner learn how to use Google Calendar in the third, to confronting lies that an addict client was trying to sell me in the fourth, and then talking a client down from suicide in the fifth.

My hours got longer.

Yes, my practice was doing well financially, but the personal cost was great.  

I gained a lot of weight, saw my wife and kids less, saw my friends even less (increased isolation is not a good thing for an ENFJ).

Then my coach gave me the book Essentialism by McKeown.  This book teaches that we all need to discover our essential intent, and then we need to put all of our energy into that essential intent.  This leads to much higher productivity, true meaningful success, and fun, all while reducing the amount of decisions you have to make (aka stress).

So what is an essential intent?  “An essential intent, on the other hand, is both inspirational and concrete, both meaningful and measurable.  Done right, an essential intent is one decision that settles one thousand later decisions. It’s like deciding you’re going to become a doctor instead of a lawyer.  One strategic choice eliminates a universe of other options and maps a course for the next five, ten, or even twenty years of your life.  Once the big decision is made, all subsequent decisions come into better focus (Essentialism).”

Discovering my Essential Intent

When I looked at all I did, and I looked at the themes that made the home runs the home runs, I realized what they all had in common:  I was using my gift for getting to the heart.  That is, I was able to help my clients get to the beliefs that fueled their issues.  Once the beliefs were nailed, we developed strategies and plans around those beliefs.  Coaching and counseling clients found true lasting change.  They experienced meaningful success with far fewer burdens than they had before.

To make sure that “getting to the heart” was truly my essential intent, I emailed clients who had experienced home runs through the work we did together, and I asked them, “What is the one thing I do that has been most helpful to you?”  The overwhelming response could be summarized as “getting to the heart." That was great confirmation.

Now that I know my essential intent is “getting to the heart,” my stress levels have come down tremendously.

I have learned graciously to say No to anything that bypasses first getting to the heart --usually by offering the name of someone who could help better than I can.

I have organized all that I do around the theme of getting to the heart, which also means that I am improving that skill.  I am developing a natural strength, and I can’t begin to tell you how cool it is to do what I do best, even better.

I am working fewer hours, accomplishing meaningful goals, making more profit, and beginning to feel like I am finally living.

My coaching clients (and counseling clients, for that matter) are reaching their goals faster than they used to.  They are executing better, in part because we are nailing the root better.

The same thing has happened with the speaking gigs.  When a client says they want to do a workshop on “team building,” I ask better questions, questions that help them get to the heart of what they mean when they say “team building.”  Then I design the workshop around the deepest part of their heart’s desired outcome.

This has led to creating workshops that sizzle now more than they ever have.

I teach my clients the concepts from McKeown's book, Essentialism, and watch them finally attain the work/life balance they’ve wanted. I’ve seen them achieve incredible goals, such as doubling the size of a Fortune 500 division in under four years, and achieving four significant promotions in four years.  Many are reporting to me that their teams are succeeding much better, and with fewer burdens.

How about you?

What is your essential intent?  Here are some questions that might help you discover it:

• Look at the greatest successes you’ve had. What did they have in common?  What did you do in each of those successes that was similar?
• What do you naturally do better than others?  How about across time?  What things have you naturally done better across your life?
• Ask stakeholders, clients, vendors, peers, and others with whom you’ve had home runs:  “What is the one thing I do that has been most helpful to you?”

Chew On This:

• What would life be like if you were living in your strike zone 80% of the time?

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

*This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is being singled out.

What to Do with Your Core Beliefs

Last week I wrote about how to identify your core belief, the belief that is responsible for over 90% of your decisions.  

After I posted the blog, I had a meeting with a CEO of a mid-sized business where we discussed core beliefs.  He asked me what questions he should be asking himself in order to discover his core beliefs.  

The questions are:

• What were the longings and desires you had growing up in your home?
• What were the underlying messages of the traumas you faced, the times when you were rocked?
• How did you change as a result of those traumas?
• What beliefs did your family share?  (For example, "You have to be perfect in order to be loved.")

Now, let me be clear: you are probably going to have to think through these questions for a long while in order to identify your core beliefs.   As I wrote in the last post, look for underlying themes in your answers to the questions above.  You may have some initial hunches and guesses, but they are probably not the complete core belief.

You will know that you have found the core belief  because:

1. You will see that 90% of your decisions are filtered through it.
2. You will sense that you understand yourself much better than you did.
3. You will want to replace it with a healthier belief (Core beliefs can be twisted or have a twist component to them.  For example, a core belief could be, “I must be perfect to be loved,” or, “If I appear vulnerable, I will be pounced on.”)

Once you have identified the core belief, you might notice a significant change right away.  Then, you may see that even though it has helped you in some ways, the cost was too high.  So you will want to modify it.  

It could be that the core belief is so unhelpful that you will have to dismantle the belief and replace it with a new one.

For example, if the core belief driving your business decisions is, “I must be perfect to be loved,” you can dismantle the belief by:

• List all the ways in which that belief is not true.

Make a huge list of reasons why this belief is not true, and also list the ways in which you have seen it is not true.  For example:

• When I did XYZ facilitation and it bombed, I did not lose my job, or worse, I was not shunned by my colleagues. Instead, my boss showed me love by helping me improve my facilitation skills.
• I myself have loved things that are not perfect, like my dog.
• I’ve seen lots of parents’ hearts go out to their children when they are struggling and even failing, because they love them.
• (Keep pushing for a super long list. The more evidence you can put on this list, the more easily you will you will dispel the false belief that you must qualify for love by being perfect.)

• Think through the details as to how, in this case, love is given.

The more you think through how love was given, you will see a pattern.  Love never comes to the perfect.  It always comes to those who are flawed.

• Think through what you will gain if this belief no longer dominates your life.

Now make a huge list of the benefits that come from dispelling the belief.

If I no longer believed that “I have to be perfect in order to be loved” I would:

• Feel the pressure lift off of me.
• Identify myself by how others view me.
• Not make business decisions based on what would get me love, as if I could “buy” love, but instead, base them on what is best for the occasion.
• Operate in a confident manner at work.
• (Keep pushing for a super long list... The more evidence you can put on this list, the more easily you will you will dispel the false belief that you must qualify for love by being perfect.)

Other beliefs get dispelled in similar ways. 

I want to emphasize that dispelling something that is so core to your being will take time.  But you are no stranger to work, and the benefits will be huge.  You will see yourself repent of many sins that have trapped you.

When you replace your core belief, you will see yourself accomplishing more in less time, with less effort. 

Chew On This:

• How will you prioritize discovering your core belief?

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

*This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is being singled out.

Identifying Your Core Beliefs

Have you ever seen a co-worker implode?  That is, really blow up their life?

How about the opposite?  Have you ever seen a co-worker push through difficulties and succeed in unexpected ways?

If you knew what led either to happen, you would know what drives them, and ultimately, you would discover what is at their very core.

How about yourself?  Do you know what led to your biggest failures and your biggest successes in the workplace and in life?

Although beliefs can be found at different levels, deep ones are called core beliefs.  There are very few of those--maybe just one or two--but they are responsible for most of the decisions you make.  You are just not aware of them because they are buried deep in the heart. Discovering our core beliefs can help us understand why we feel and behave the way that we do. It can also help us see our staff in a different light, recognizing that their behaviors are rooted in a deeper core belief that impacts the way they feel and behave, too.

How do you discover your core belief?  

You have to dive into a couple of areas:

• Family-of-origin

If we got together the people you were raised with and asked a few questions, you will discover that there are belief themes that run through the family - even if each family member is very different.

How do you discover these?  Ask yourself what your family is about.  What matters most to them?  If they are threatened, do they jump into a state of alarm?  Let’s say a family seems to care a lot about what people think of them.  And let’s say we see some inordinately strong behaviors when their image is threatened. The next thing you want to ask yourself is, “What does their image represent to them?”  That’s where the belief is.  So it could be that they believe that if they look good to others then they will have:

•     Security
•     Love
•     Acceptance
•     Value
•     Enjoyment
•     Significance

• Traumas/Milestones

The more emotionally intense a situation is, the more it impacts our beliefs.  When we go through an emotional trauma, we are so overwhelmed by the emotions running through our bodies that our brain can’t process it quickly enough.  While our brain may numb us out, or even in some cases knock us out, or form memory blocks, our heart seems to scream, “I will never face that pain again!”

The heart then sets up new “protective” beliefs to prevent us from getting into a scenario where we can face that kind of hurt again.  You can spot these protective beliefs because they often seem like an over-reaction.

For example, say a staff member is struggling with taking initiative on a project. If he has had experiences in the past where he has been rejected, shot down, or criticized for his assertiveness, his defense mechanism may be to passively accept others' suggestions. His “protective” belief looks like, “If I agree with others’ opinions, I will be accepted” and “If I take initiative, my team members will reject me.”

Belief changes are not always negative. I have seen others develop new beliefs when they push hard to accomplish a goal, and succeed. The “confidence” that results can be traced to a new belief that came through the experience of pushing themselves.

Once you have listed all the beliefs that you sense derive from your family, and the traumas/milestones in your experience,  then see if there is a belief that binds them all (cue the Lord of the Rings).  That could be the core belief.

Ultimately, recognizing our own core beliefs helps us better understand the way we operate in our workplace. As we explore the root of our core beliefs, we can identify areas where we primarily operate out of maladaptive beliefs. Is our need for approval rooted in a belief that we are never good enough? Is our superior attitude towards coworkers rooted in a belief that without power, we are worthless?

Not only does processing our beliefs help us better understand ourselves, it helps us better understand our staff, too. Recognizing that the behaviors we see are rooted in core beliefs that we cannot see helps us approach staff with grace and understanding. In the next blog, we will talk about how to deal with these core beliefs.

Chew On This:

• If you wrote out your story and included your family of origin and traumas/milestones that you experienced, what would be the belief themes that come up for you?

• How does becoming aware of your beliefs affect the way you view yourself and others in the workplace?

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams. *This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is being singled out.

12 Steps to Lead Effective Meetings

Meetings are inevitable.  They are important to get the team members aligned and leverage their talents.  

But do there have to be so many?  Some business leaders look at their calendar and realize that most of their week is spent in meetings.  There is nothing worse than going to a meeting and wondering why you are there or thinking that your time could have been better spent elsewhere.  

As the lead for your team, it is important that you train those who report to you on how to run effective meetings.  

Like it or not, an unacknowledged recommendation for promotion is the ability to lead meetings effectively.  Those who run meetings well are viewed as credible, capable and respectable.  Those who don’t are typically viewed as incapable, uncaring, disorganized, or incompetent.  

Here are some on how to lead meetings well:

• Structure the meeting.

Everyone needs to get on the same page. It is important that participants know why they are attending the meeting and how to focus their contributions.  A simple structure that is effective for getting the team aligned includes:

• What is the purpose of the meeting?
• What are the objectives and goals?
• What are we going to walk away from the meeting with?

• Send out Request for Input.

Once you have the structure, send it out to the participants at least one day ahead and ask for any agenda items that are relevant, given the structure.  Let them know that they have until X day and time to get those agenda items in, so you can evaluate which ones to go with and send out the agenda to the entire team.

This Request for Input will help the participants to start thinking about the meeting.  It will clue them in on how to prepare.

It will help you to gain insights on what is brewing in each individual’s mind and in their various departments.  

• Determine the agenda, time allotments and attendees.

Few agenda items should be focused on the desired action that will be taken. (Don’t use meeting time to review or share information.  That should happen in the pre-read.)

Make sure that the agenda flows according to your priority.  Don’t try to please everyone.  It is not going to happen.  Go with the best that you received for the greater good of the company and team.  (Show each participant that they are valuable even if others are given more time or accolades.)

For each item:

• Determine start and stop time.
• State the goal for that agenda item.
• List who is the Presenter/Owner.

Make sure the Presenter/Owner is clear on what they are presenting.

Be sure to get their goals and objectives for their section so that you can send it out in the official agenda.

Leave time in each section for open discussion.

• Prep the meeting locale.

If possible, change up the meeting locale just to give the team different experiences.  

(For shorter meetings, try doing stand-up meetings where all participants are standing.)

Make sure the room is equipped with what you need (whiteboard, markers, whiteboard eraser, projectors, screens).

On your calendar, set an appointment for yourself before the meeting to make sure that the room is set up as desired.

• Disseminate pre-meeting prep.

Determine what pre-reads are absolutely necessary to make decisions.  This can include any supporting documents such as reports, surveys, etc.  If helpful, highlight the key points to make it easier for participants to scan those documents, in case they haven’t had time to do a thorough pre-read.

Also, have in mind which participants would be best for key roles, such as:

• The Note taker- They are responsible for:
  • Action items, noting who is responsible and by when it will be accomplished.
  • Key decisions.
  • Issues that came up.
  • What needs to be discussed in the future.
  • Preparing all of the above in a template.
  • (Note: They are not to take notes on the discussion itself, only the decisions.)
• The Time Tracker- They:
  • Have permission to interrupt, with countdowns of when that topic is to be completed.
  • If the leader says that more time is necessary, the time tracker needs to know how many more minutes is worth giving to that section.
• The Option Generator:
  • This person is responsible for ensuring that at least three options for resolving a decision are generated (even if quickly dismissed).

• Set up rules for meeting success.

As the facilitator of the meeting, it’s your call if a tangent is useful or not.  Keep in mind that tangents that generate ideas, or suggest solutions are typically valuable, but tangents that involve complaining, blame-shifting, minimizing responsibility, or rationalizing a mistake, typically are not.

Let the team know that you are going to risk hurting feelings for the sake of the team, and in the future there should be fewer negative tangents.

Let the team know that if one member starts to discuss a topic that is not germane to the goals of this meeting, you will ask the note taker to write that topic down for a future meeting.

Encourage everyone to speak, because even “dumb” things can spark ideas in someone else’s mind, which the team would not have heard otherwise.

Also, let them know that in the interests of respecting everyone’s time, and to encourage each person to grow in their ability to contribute meaningfully, you will be ending the meeting on time (see below for exception).

• Once starting the meeting:

• Thank everyone for participating in the meeting.
• Share what is going to happen in the meeting.
• Share the desired outcomes.

• Facilitate keeping the structure while still allowing for flexibility:

• Know what stage you are in:
  • When it is time to brainstorm, let others know and make sure to stress that there is to be no judgment during this phase.
  • When it is time to evaluate options, let the others know that brainstorming has ended.
  • When it is time to make decisions, let them know that the evaluation of options has ended.

Spell out key action items framed in SMART format, decisions made, steps to follow-up, and future issues to consider so that the Note Taker has them

Use humor effectively to make meetings more fun

Make sure to add a flexible portion to the meeting towards the end.  It is important to give some open-ended time.

Don’t be afraid to chuck a part of the agenda if it is clear that the flow of the meeting is going in a different direction.

• Radical idea- Always end the meeting on time.

Some participants can get really detailed.  Sometimes the details are important, but in order to help them and the others to be sharper and more focused, end the meeting on time, regardless of where you are.

At first, this may frustrate some people, but you as the agenda setter will learn how much time a meeting actually needs, and the participants will learn to be sharper and more succinct when they need to be.

If you let them know at the beginning of the meeting, that will help them as they go through the meeting.

The exception: if it looks like something major is about to happen, then just ask for 10mins to complete it, but the idea is to get the team used to working within a specific time frame, and no longer.

• Close the meeting with action steps.

Summarize what was accomplished.

Ask the Note Taker to read the action items:

• Make sure it is clear
• Frame as much as possible in a SMART format
• This creates team accountability

State that notes will be disseminated within 24 hours.

Ask for progress emails to be sent at critical intervals.

• Do not hold meetings to discuss progress; that is expensive.
• Only request follow up meetings if there are more decisions that need to be made.

• Send out thank you’s with the meeting minutes within 24 hours of the meeting

• Thank the participants for their contribution and time.
• Clearly list action items, who is responsible for them, and the deadlines.
• If not clear from the action items list, state what other things were decided.
• Do not share what was discussed.

• Refine, refine, refine.

Leave time after the meeting to ask yourself:

• What were the highlights of the meeting?
• What should I keep doing?
• If I could wave a magic wand, what would I do differently?
• What should I start doing?

Following a template like the one above will simplify facilitation and will give your team a routine to follow that everyone can get in to.  Be sure to refine the template as you go.  

Chew On This:

• What would it be like if everyone on your team could run effective meetings?

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

How To Help Your Team Reach Their Potential

A business leader who was running a very successful organization spoke to me about one of her direct reports. “He has to learn to adapt to those who report to him, not the other way around,” she said.  

I started thinking of how true that is.  For leaders to succeed, they need to draw out the best in those that follow them.  Since their followers have different personality types, a one-size-fits-all approach will leave some on the team less engaged.

What if the leader really understood those who follow him? What if he learned how his team was wired?  Then, the leader could tap into the strengths of his team and, as a byproduct, benefit from their ingenuity, engagement, and support.

So, how do you become a flexible leader?

• Understand how each member of the team is wired.

There are objective and subjective ways to understand how each team member is wired.  Objective assessments such as Myers-Briggs, Birkman, and DiSC can give you many clues.  When the team members digest the results of the assessment, be sure to ask them what parts really fit and what parts did not fit as well.  

Make note of those.

Subjectively, you can observe when they come alive more.  You can also be alert to what others on the team say they do better than average.  Ask them about their dreams and goals, even if they are not work-related.  You will gain lots of insight into what makes them tick.  

• Understand what their strengths are.

Very often with the objective assessments, the strengths are pegged in the results report.  

However, dig in deeper with them.  Ask them under what circumstances they come alive, and what it is about those times that causes them to feel more alive.  

You can also ask them and those on their team what they do better than average.  

Just go for the top three strengths.

• Provide them with opportunities where their strengths shine.

Once you know their strengths, think about how you can encourage those strengths to be displayed more.  It might be that someone on the team does the majority of the presenting to clients.  However, it could also be that after you brainstorm with them, you discover how to leverage their strengths across their role.  

For example, I love getting to the heart of things and then developing actionable plans around those things.  As I do this with clients, or talk about my services to potential clients, I am more in my groove. 

When I try to get practical without getting to the essence first, I am not as strong in what I do.  I greatly admire people who are quick with the “right” steps, but that is not me.  I need a little more time so we can get to the essence of the matter, then plans seem to flow much more easily.

Take one of your direct reports.  What is their top strength and how can they leverage it more?

• Encourage them to find ways to contain their weaknesses.

Time can be greatly wasted when someone focuses on overcoming their weaknesses instead of strengthening their strengths.  I am not saying that weaknesses should not be worked on, but I am saying that their time might be better spent on learning to contain those weaknesses.  

For example, I can be impulsive.  I can tell you a bunch of now-humorous stories from my past to illustrate how my impulsiveness did not gain me the results I desired.  Today, even though I run my own company, I don’t let major decisions be made without a “committee” of different personality types giving feedback on that decision.  Just recently we made it a policy that I will discuss major decisions with the team and solicit their input.  In addition, I will solicit help from those whom I believe would have good insights into the decision.

This has done wonders for my business life.

• Enjoy the fact that they will do things in a style that is different from yours.

Very often when we see one of our direct reports doing something in a different style, we get a sense of foreboding that “it is not going to go well."  This fuels a sense of insecurity which, in turn, may prompt us to try to make them do things in the style we would do them in.  

If this is our response, we are missing out on the ingenuity of those who are different from us.  The other option is to learn from them.  Perhaps we may grow even more by adapting some of what they do to our style.

Before the sense of foreboding takes over, turn on your curiosity and ask yourself, “What if their style can work really well for them?” 

If you are still feeling insecure, then ask more questions before making any corrections.  See if they have answers for some of the fears you may have.

Adapting your style to your team will help you to reach and pull out the potential that is inside of them.  

In appreciation, those who follow you will increase their engagement and will want to support you even more.

Chew On This:

• How are the members of your team different? How can you meet them where they are at?

Ryan Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

*This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients.  No one single client is being singled out.

Ten Actionable Steps To Facilitating Great Skip-Level Meetings Part 2

In Part 1 of Ten Actionable Steps to Facilitating Great Skip-Level Meetings, we discussed how despite many attempts Bob, a business owner, could not get three of his eight teams to have higher engagement.  He knew he was missing the front-line’s perceptions of what was dragging down their engagement.   

In Part 1, we discussed the first four Actionable Steps.  They were:

• As the leader, sit down with your manager and get the manager’s buy-in for a Skip-Level Meeting.

• If you haven’t communicated much two levels down, start doing so months before the Skip-Level Meeting is solicited.

• You and manager send a joint email to the manager’s team.

• Create a safe environment.

Below are six other actionable steps Bob took to facilitate great Skip-Level Meetings:

• Ask open-ended questions and do not judge or correct the answers. Just empathize and take in the responses.

This is a time when you want to turn on your curiosity and eliminate all judgment.  

As best as possible, ask questions from a positive vantage point. Some examples include:

• What do you like most about being on the team?
• What tools or resources have you found most helpful?  Why?
• If you could wave a magic wand, what is one thing you would do to make the team even better?
• Tell me about a time when your manager was most helpful to you.
• If you were in your manager’s shoes:
  • What would you be focusing on?
  • What would you be doing more of?
  • What would you be doing less of?
• What questions haven’t I asked that I should have asked?
• What can I answer for you?

• Utilize strategic storytelling.

When you sense one of the responses has a story behind it, ask for the story behind it.   Tell them what themes you hear in their story.

Find an opening to share a story that cements a key message or belief you want them to walk away with.  Ask them what they got from your story.  

• Ask clarifying questions as you go.

If you are unclear about something they are sharing, ask questions until you are clear.  Among other things, asking clarifying questions shows that you value what they have to say and want to take it all in.

• Thank them for their time verbally and in writing.

Thank them for spending the time with you and share what you especially found helpful.  Assure them that you heard them and will take what they had to say seriously.  Let them know that you will be weighing what everyone shares with you, and that you will be discussing their concerns, in order of importance, as you coach their manager. Ask them to be patient as you implement.

Then the next day or so, send them a thank-you email. Let them know that if they have anything else to share, they should feel free to email or call you.

• Develop a strategy with the manager and execute.

Once you have interviewed everyone, look for themes and create a safe environment with the manager.  Share that you are looking to make things even better, and that you want their help in creating strategies to do so.

Discuss the themes you discovered with the manager.  

Gain the manager’s feedback on those themes.

Develop strategies to strengthen what could be strengthened and to meet the opportunities that were presented.

• Follow-up.

Decide with the manager how you want to follow up with the group.  You could send the group a summary of the key themes. You could also share what you and the manager will start to work on, and solicit the group’s encouragement and possible help.

Skip-Level Meetings can be an empowering, motivating, and informative way to increase engagement and move the business to new heights.

Chew On This:

• What would seeing your business from the eyes of your front-line do for you?

*This blog is a compilation of three different clients.  No one particular client is being singled out.

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.

Ten Actionable Steps To Facilitating Great Skip-Level Meetings Part 1

Four years ago, a client of mine--let’s call him Bob--received the engagement survey results of the eight teams that directly report to him.  Three teams were at 100% engagement, two teams were at 85% engagement and three other teams had dismal scores, between 30%-40% engagement. Bob tried working with the direct reports of the three lowest teams, to build engagement across their team.  When he realized that the leaders wanted out of their roles, he found better positions for them.

Next, he hired three really talented and hungry managers to take the place of those he had re-positioned.  They worked hard to figure out what to do to increase engagement, and they implemented a strategy.

After about a year, the three new managers received the result of the latest engagement survey.

Guess what happened?

There was NO change in the engagement scores across all 8 teams.

Needless to say, Bob was really concerned about the bottom three, though he was still pleased with the top five.  What could the bottom three be missing?

In an attempt to create an environment in which his direct reports could safely share what was happening, Bob hired me to talk to one of the newer hires, Eva.  Eva shared that her team was being asked to handle far too many calls that were not a part of their original mandate.  “Somehow all of these support calls get dumped on us,” she explained.  “We can’t possibly handle these calls and still meet our goals.  It’s like everyone on the team has two full time jobs.”

I could see that while Eva, the direct report, is still engaged and hungry, those under her are struggling.  So how does my client help those two levels below, while still empowering Eva and the other two managers?

Here are the steps Bob used.  I hope they work for you as well as they worked for him.

• As the leader, sit down with your manager and get the manager’s buy-in for a Skip-Level Meeting.

It would be easy for the manager to assume that the focus of the Skip-Level Meeting will be to hear all the complaints about her and build a case for her removal.  But a Skip-Level Meeting is NOT about that.

A Skip-Level Meeting is about hearing the perspectives of those closest to the front-lines so that you, as the leader, can best coach the manager.

Make sure that your direct report is comfortable with this meeting and can enthusiastically support it.

• If you haven’t communicated much with people two levels down, start doing this months before the Skip-Level Meeting is solicited.

In today’s there-isn’t-enough-time-to-do-everything-at-my-job environment, it is not hard to see why a leader may not have much of a relationship with those two levels below them.  Before having a Skip-Level Meeting, walk around, start conversations, create an air of safety, learn about what matters to those employees, whether it is work-related or not, and make sure that the team views you favorably.  This is a critical step.  It will delay the Skip-Level Meeting for weeks, but it is very important.

• You and the manager send a joint email to the manager’s team.

Co-create a positive and encouraging email detailing why you want to have the Skip-Level Meeting.

Be sure to tell the team what is truly going well, and how you want to make things even better.  Let them know what you are looking to understand.  I would send the questions you are going to ask ahead of time.  See under 5) in Part 2.

In this email, stress that you want to make the meeting as safe a place as possible in order to learn what needs to be learned.  Your aim is to make things run more smoothly so you can better coach the manager for the benefit of everyone, and therefore you will keep everything they say in the strictest of confidence.

No one on the team will know anything that anyone else shared.  Instead, you are going to integrate all the responses from all the meetings, and pull out themes to coach.  Stress that it is important that you know the details so that you can best coach the manager.

• Create a safe environment

Make sure that the space where the Skip-Level Meeting will take place is free of distractions.  You want to be fully present with the person to whom you are speaking.

Once in the Skip-Level Meeting, reassure the employee that you will not convey anything they share with you to the manager, or to anyone else on the team.  You want them to “let it rip.”  You are far more interested in reaching solutions than in assigning blame for anything that is off.

Stress that you don’t want this meeting to be focused only on the negative. You also want to celebrate what is going well, and find ways to strengthen that.

Recognize something that they do really well, and tell how it impresses you.

Chew On This:

• What do you most want to find out from those on the front-lines of your business?

*This blog is a compilation of three different clients.  No one particular client is being singled out.

7 Steps to Writing a Personal Development Plan

Many of you may have written your personal development plan (PDP) for this year at the end of last year.  Do you remember all of what you wrote?  Have you been tracking how you’ve been doing?  Has the plan been placed on the sidelines because there have been too many fires to put out?

Let’s whip out your PDP and see if there is a way to write it where you really do remember your goals and feel, not only inspired, but actually achieve them.

When I first started corporate coaching, many of the PDP’s I saw were littered with intangible or vague goals. For example, one client wrote that one of his PDP goals for that year was, “To become a better leader.”  While that goal sounds good on the surface, there is no way to clearly tell if they achieved that goal.  This is in part because they have not defined what they mean by “better leader.”

The other thing that I noticed is that several had too many PDP goals… one client had 11.  Most had at least 5.  When I asked them how many of their PDP goals they did achieve, the answers that came back were embarrassingly sad.  Most could not tell me all their goals.  When they looked up their PDP, the number hit was less than 25%.  I could completely relate to them as I have at different times in my life designed elaborate goals for myself.  If I was asked the same question, I would have been in a similar place.

So, how are you doing so far this year?  Are you on track?  How about your team?  Are they on track?  If you are, that’s great!  I would love to hear your thoughts as to what helped you and your team get there.

If you are like most out there, you have already forgotten your PDP or have only focused on one or two areas.  I would hate for you to feel bad or defeated.  If you’ve forgotten, I bet your team has as well.

To break this pattern, you just have to rewrite your PDP in a way that is tailored to your core.  If you do, you will find all the motivation you could ever want to achieve it.

How to Write a Personal Development Plan

Here is what has worked for me and many of the clients I have coached.  When writing your PDP goals you need to...

1. Know the most essential part of your role.

What is the most indispensable part of your role?

Whatever that is, go all-in on that part.  Does the way you spend your time reflect a focus on that most indispensable part?  You want to develop your main PDP goal around that area.

In my role as a coach, counselor, and corporate trainer, the most essential part of what I do it is to connect to my clients at a core level–to get to the heart of their concerns and address their issues.  If I whittled that down even further, I have noticed that if I nail what is at the core of their concerns, addressing the issues becomes a lot simpler.

2. Know your essential intent.

I have shared about the book Essentialism by McKeown in previous posts.  If you have not read Essentialism, I would highly recommend that you put that book at the top of your reading list. One concept in the book is that each of us has an essential intent, which has to do with what you were built for.  Look across your life... what do you naturally do better than others?  What are some themes that help you excel in your personal and professional life?  What accolades have you received? What do those accolades have in common?

When I was trying to figure out my essential intent, I asked my wife, friends, clients and mentors what they thought it was.  The most common response was that I get to the heart of the matter quickly.  That is, if a friend is talking about something, a client has an issue they want to address, or if a group wants me to deliver a workshop on a given topic, as they are speaking, I am listening for what is at the root of their words.  Then I repeat back to them what I sense the core is to make sure that I understand.  If I am off, then I keep listening and asking for clarification until I get it.

When we work from our essential intent, motivation comes easy.  We are in our strike zone and we typically feel more alive.  Therefore, finding your essential intent is, for lack of a better way to say it, essential.

3. Line up your essential intent with the most essential part of your role.

As you can see, I built a business around my essential intent.  How about you?  Does your role fit your essential intent?  If not, is there a way that your role could be tweaked so that it fits your essential intent?  If not, could it be a sign that you were not built to do what you are doing?  (If you want help discovering what you were built to do I have a rough draft of an e-book that my team is working on.  I would love insights to improve it so I would be happy to send it to you.)

Now look at your team.  Do you have the “right people on the bus?"  Are they in roles that allow their essential intent to shine?

If your essential intent and essential part of your role line up then great.  Now, how could you better align your essential intent with the most essential part of your role to maximize your time and efforts?

4. Make it tangible.

If I say my PDP goal is, “I want to get to the heart better,” then defining “better" would be the first step.  I would define “better" as having more moments where my clients say something to the effect of, “That’s it!” (implying what I said was the core of the issue).

Next, look for how your goal could happen.

Three options for improving the ability to get to the heart better are:

1. I could improve listening skills.
2. I could learn how to ask better questions.
3. I could also work on how I repeat back or paraphrase what I hear my clients say.

I had a client say that part of his role is that he needs to make speeches from time to time.  He hated public speaking but truly was in the right role for his essential intent.  The problem he had with delivering speeches was his nervousness.  So, he set a goal of “not getting obviously nervous when he presented."  This is not a tangible goal.  How would someone observe that he achieved it?  So we broke down the signs that showed that he was nervous which included:

1. Shaking hands
2. Becoming tongue-tied
3. Forgetfulness

When asked which of those would he want to focus on he said, “Definitely my hands shaking.  That starts the downhill spiral for me.”  So that was the tangible goal we set.

5. Create a S.M.A.R.T. goal.

As you may have seen elsewhere, the acronym S.M.A.R.T. stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-bound.  As I look at mine, one way I can get to the heart faster is by improving my listening skills.  So my S.M.A.R.T. goal for this year is:

“By December 31, 2016, I want to have implemented 2 better listening principles or techniques to such a degree that 3 longer-term clients say I have improved my listening skills.”  Obviously, I will let them know I am looking to improve my listening skills and would welcome their feedback at the end of the year.

6. If there is another thing your company is insisting that you work on then make that the other S.M.A.R.T. goal.

In many of the companies I coach for, the leader who brought me in already has ideas as to what they want to see their direct reports work on.  I encourage those leaders to look at the most essential part of their direct report’s role and to choose a goal that helps improve that one area.  I also ask them how they would know that goal is accomplished.  Then I suggest we bring the direct report into the conversation so all of us can turn that goal into a S.M.A.R.T. goal.

7. Ask how they want to be held accountable for those two goals.

What is implied in the above points is that killer PDP’s have one or two areas to work on for that year.  If your direct reports make significant progress in just one or two areas you will notice much higher engagement.  You will notice that they love their work more.  You will sense the confidence in them grow and the desire to have new challenges increase.  They will also value you immensely.

Now when it comes to accountability, they may not need as much.  But draw them into the process so that the accountability fits their personality and style.

Developing a killer PDP will turn those who are meant to be on your team into highly engaged and productive people who genuinely want to exceed expectations.  Your job as their leader would be to create an environment where they can flourish.

Ryan C. Bailey is an Executive Coach who helps business leaders develop in-demand high performing teams.